Discuss Today, I am grateful... on IKEAFANS.com. We're Personalizing the IKEA Experience. Today, I am grateful... - How'd you like a place to consult with your trusted forum friends about matters not entirely or necessarily related to kitchens or IKEA? Here it is! Use your discretion and remember that these forums are moderated and PUBLIC!.
Daughter (22, out of school and working) telephoned early this morning, seeking an opinion, and some Mom reassurance. Her best GF, a young lady I know, is now nearly two weeks late, and fears she is pregnant. Did I concur? Based on the facts as presented to me, I recommended an EPT.
A nice girl, earthy/hippy type, but has been seeing potential Dad only 2 months...I suspect she recognizes he isn't really father material because her call to my daughter included a request "Will you help me? Will you be my baby's 'daddy'?" Not in the material sense, but in the role model sense. The GF decided at 16 that if this situation ever arose, she would have the child and raise it.
So, I am grateful. That my relationship with my daughter is this open. That had it been her, her call likely would have been to me, not the GF. That, with all the discussions we've had, she knows how to maximise her chances that it would not be her, unless she wanted it to be. That she recognizes that GF really has no true, accurate concept of the implications of her choice to raise this maybe-child. That she has enough of a sense of community to recognize that this maybe-child will need the help of many adults to flourish and that she is willing to be one of them.
My daughter has three close girlfriends her age. I have known them all since they were about 12. One was married two summers ago and just became a mother. One is finishing up a 4-year chemical engineering degree and will likely go on to a PhD, and the girl described above. The maybe-soon-to-be mom was raised in a home where Mom and Dad married, had kids, and stayed together. The new mom is the product of her mother's second marriage, and Mom is still with Dad. PhD candidate was raised by a Mom who split from Dad when she was about 6. Dad was around, but not very involved. Mom stayed single until just recently. My own ex wasn't very involved (but his parents were) even before we split when my daughter was 10. He has been too far away to see her more than once every 18 to 24 months since she was 12. I have been with my spouse for 10 years, co-habitating for the past 8 1/2.
Because of the same-sex marriage issue here in Canada, I often hear that 'traditional families are best'. I don't think it's that simple. I really believe it depends on the strength, wisdom and maturity of the parents and other close adults, regardless of what the family unit looks like. As parents, we do our best to pass on good life skills and sound values. The reality is that some of us are well-equipped to do this, and others are not.
And I think it's wonderful that you've raised a daughter who can be so supportive to her friend during this difficult time. I'm sending my best wishes her way, and I hope that she finds whatever help and support she needs.
I'm a single mom. I got pregnant at 23, had been with my ex for 3 years, and he was not/is not good father material. I have to say, it's tough out there. Does this young woman have family resources? Does she have a good job/secure future? She's going to need both. It's great that she has good friends, because that is a necessary part of the support network.
Here's hoping, for her sake and the sake of the child, that it's a false alarm. If not, she's got a long road ahead. It can be very rewarding, but very taxing as well. I'm having an especially bad day today (can you tell?!), since I had to be at work at the same time that I had to be waiting forever in the pediatrician's office for an appointment. Since I haven't been able to clone myself thus far, work had to suffer, which made workmates unhappy, but what can you do? This is a problem for all working parents, but all the more so for single parents.
OK, I'll stop because negativity is not what's called for at the moment!
I don't view your comments as negativity...thank you for your openness and honesty. I plan on having a private heart-to-heart with the girl, to make sure she knows what she's in for. Your comments will give me a real-life example to pass on to her.
Here's hoping your day gets better.
fisheggs: Thanks. I second your 'false alarm' sentiment...and if it is exactly that, here's hoping it's enough of a 'wake up call' :shock:
Martine -I wasn't exactly in this type of situation, but similar when I was dating my husband. We were planning to marry and were young and made some bad decisions (don't we all?).We all make bad decisions in life and if that has put her in a situation where she is pregnant, I give her credit fordeciding tokeep the baby and not terminate it. She'll have a tough road ahead and she needs a good support group. Is she active in a local church? Perhaps they have a support group or know of one. I know there is a "Birthright" center here locally but don't know if you have one.
Even though I believe fully in a traditional family, I don't believeshe should get married just because she's pregnant. If she isn't in a loving relationship with the potential father, would the child be in a loving environment if they were married? Definitelythey should go to counseling together. The reality of the situation would be that the potential father may want to have a relationship with the child as well. And even if they aren't married, it's possible that he could still provide the fatherly love that the child needs, as well as the paternal grandparents. Don't know the situation,so that may not be the case. But, it's possible.
Anyway, my hope is that she has many who love her and support her through it all and aren't too quick to judge when she's going through all the emotional up's and down's if she finds she really is pregnant. It's wonderful she has friends who truly care about her and want to be there to support her. Above all, she needs to know she's not alone.
Laurie, it's clear we have very different views on some subjects.
Yes, we all make bad decisions in life. I've made more than my fair share, some of which affected not only myself, but my daughter also. I'm not judging this girl for her choices, but am concerned for the potential new life she decided (when she was 16) she would bring into the world and raise herself. She made that decision without being fully aware of the reality of the challenges she will face. I would get involved to ensure she reviews her decision now, as a 22 year old, and makes an informed decision.
That said, her situation differs considerably from yours: she has known this young man all of 2 months. I don't think she even knows him well enough to know how he would react to such news, were she indeed pregnant.
BTW, Canadian and US cultures vary significantly in many ways. From what I have been told by some American friends and Canadian friends who have lived in the US, the manner and extent to which one's 'church community' impacts on one's life is one of them. For those Canadians active in their church communities (a much smaller percentage than in the US), the church community is, for the most part, only a small part of their social circle. Most of us form our social circles by means of other activities and interests.
Martine -- What's clear to me is that you are a very kind and generous soul; a woman who your daughter is lucky to have as a mother. It is clear from your posts that you are generous with your time, resources and most importantly, your heart. I am glad for your young friend that her test was negative, but I'm more glad for her that she has you as a friend, support, and hopefully a role model for when (and if) she does decide to become a mother.
Why, thank you Susan <blushing>...I won't hold you to your (edit) opinion, though
I don't know about the rest of you, but raising a child was the hardest thing I have ever had to do...no other challenge has caused me to question myself (and often, my sanity :shock as profoundly as raising my daughter did. Yet, I have never regretted becoming a mom for one moment.
I do, however, tip my hat to all those who had their children later in life (I was barely 24), and who have had more than one child...and I practically worship teachers, LOL
Martine - I didn't even realize that there was such a big difference in church attendance between US and Canada. It's odd to think that just next door it could be so different. For me,God is my everything and I couldn't make such a major decision without him.Myalmost 19 year old daughter has beenVERY hard to raise, too. I've alwaysjoked that when my daughter was born she wassmoking cigars, hollering andcomplaining about the climate of the room! ( I actually thought she would grow out of it!)She hasn't stopped since. Strong-willed - that's an understatement. But, being strong-willed isn't always bad if it's directed in the right way. Especially during those 'teen pressure' years. She's definitely stood up for what she believes. It's been difficult - but yes, she's worth it. Life isprecious.
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